There are many
Warning signs that are apparent before you enter
- Papyrus font used on signage: Inexplicably, some cafe and restaurant owners mistakenly believe that Papyrus is a good choice for their restaurant ‘logo’. This mistake is most commonly made at cafes in country towns. The only businesses for which it’s acceptable to use Papyrus are those that sell “Magic Happens” stickers.
- Use of the word ‘gourmet’ anywhere: A restaurant using the adjective gourmet is like a mechanic using the adjective honest. I’d expect that it’s a given, so if you think you have to convince me with words, then excuse me if I’m a bit skeptical. P.S Adding feta cheese to a pizza does not make it a ‘gourmet’ pizza.
- The name uses a play on words: If they’re relying on humour to get people to notice them, that’s not a good sign.
- They ‘specialise’ in food from more than one continent: It takes years to master a single cuisine, so a chef that excels at more than a couple is a rarity. I realise they exist, they’re just not common, particularly the further you get from the metropolitan area.
- They serve ‘international’ cuisine: I’m not sure what international cuisine means in Australia, because apart from wichetty grubs, damper and pavlova, most food is international, and even the latter is debatable.
- There’s a review on the window from a local paper, or from more than 2 years ago: I don’t really care if you the Nar Nar Goon Tribune named you best Thai restaurant back in 1996.
- There’s a spruiker out the front: I don’t think I need to explain.
Warning signs once you’ve entered
- Female diners are greeted with ‘ciao bella’: People who actually live in Italy have told me that this expression is not really used in Italy.
- The menu is typeset in Comic Sans: While the Papyrus is most commonly used in restaurant ‘logos’, meaning the alarm bells sound BEFORE you enter, Comic Sans is generally reserved for use on menus. This means that you’re already seated before you realise your predicament.
- The menu is divided into section such as “From the sea”, “From the paddock”: I’m not sure why, but this just annoys me.
- Pasta dish featuring a chicken-based sauce: I love chicken, and a I love pasta – just not together. I’ve read that there is actually an authentic Italian pasta dish that contains chicken in the sauce, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never come across it.
- Pasta dish featuring a chicken and avocado-based sauce: See warning sign #3 and multiple by 100
- One or more dish contain sun-dried tomatoes: Sun-dried tomatoes may have been considered an exotic ingredient back in the mid-80s, but that was almost 30 years ago. In 2011 the only place they have is as replacement for tomato paste in a nice 8 hour, slow-cooked bolognese sauce. Semi-dried tomatoes are acceptable . . . just. See also: balsamic reduction
- The only ‘premium’ beer is Crown Lager: While Crown Lager certainly meets the definition of beer, it’s quite a stretch to call it ‘premium’.
- Over-sized pepper grinders: There’s often a negative correlation between the size of the pepper grinder and the quality of the food. I suppose I should be grateful that they’re using freshly ground pepper.